wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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