I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
