just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
