im six kinds of drunk right now
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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