nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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