two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
