so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Why did my mother make you get naked?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
