just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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