theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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