I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
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So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
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I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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