I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm really into asian looking animals
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
