I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
