3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
