I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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