the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
