i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
