my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
the raccoons are back...
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