Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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