She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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