and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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