I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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