My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
