my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Say something about gay babies.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
