i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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