WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
