2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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