**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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