mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
