My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
