I have demons in me.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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