We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
