woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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