Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
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Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
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I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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