Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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