you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
me + whiskey = a bad person
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
