i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
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