i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She bit a glass in half.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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