My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize