At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
