i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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