we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
