we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
