We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
