Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
