I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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