My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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