Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
