Fine. I'll sleep in my office
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
