I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.