his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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