I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There r osticjed everywhere
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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