So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I have aggressive nipples.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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