i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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