I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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